So I?ve been home a whole week now and I?m already angling to leave. I guess that my assumptions that my family would see me as different and changed, as grown in faith, were unfounded and unrealistic. My mom still looks at me the same as I was when I left, still talks to me the same, still tries to get me wrapped up in petty things of this world that are only here to distract us. If it?s Kyle?s recent band melodrama, other parents, or whatever else.

More then anything I wish the people around me could see what I?ve been called to do. I thought that more then anyone else, they would be encouraging me and pushing me forward instead of trying to hang on and hold me back. They don?t need to know if I?m ready or not, they don?t even need to be sure that the path I?m on is the right one. I need them to trust me and re-affirm my faith even if they don?t see it, because I do. I?ve sold out to God and now have nothing of my own. They need to see that and accept it. I will love them until the end of days but wish I knew how long it will be until they understand. This world and life means nothing, I?ve been entrusted with gifts beyond my comprehension and will not use them for my gain or for myself.

I wish that they could feel what I do inside so that they would gain understanding. If they could feel the humility and gratitude I hold, and how I?m trying to hard to be submissive. Do I expect them to understand? No. Do I expect them to support me? Nope. Do I expect them to try to see through my eyes? Yes.

I?m sorry if this comes across as boastful or arrogant, it is meant to be none of those. I?m just fed up with people not understanding. The reason I?m at Stout is to grow in my Faith to levels I can?t fathom right now, the reason I?m going to France is to be witness to people and to grow in my faith. To learn how to listen to the Lord and to prove my willingness to serve Him to myself. My relationship with God is between the two of us, I just wish they could see part of that intimacy. More then anything it pains me to see them still looking down on me rather then eye to eye, I?m not a kid anymore physically or spiritually, and they should treat me as such.

God bless,
~paul